In the desert

Ok, it’s been over a year since I’ve posted anything. Sorry about that. I’ve tried to post several times but I just couldn’t put into words what was going on. And I’m kind of a perfectionist so it seemed better to not write anything at all than to write something that didn’t adequately express what I wanted to say. But in just a week I’m going to be heading off to Bethany College of Missions and starting a new season of my life and it seemed necessary that I write about this past season as a way to close it off. So I’m going to try to do that. Sorry if my thoughts get scattered or if this ends up really long. I’m still in processing mode.

Since I moved home after Kairos, a year ago, I’ve been in what I would call a desert season. A season of refinement and purification. Not gonna lie, it’s been hard and painful and I haven’t particularly liked it. But it’s been good.  I can see that God has been teaching me and changing me a lot through this desert but it’s hard to write about because He’s not done yet, so I still don’t completely understand it. I’ll try anyways though.

One big thing God has been teaching me is that he can be my only source of satisfaction. This was not a clean and pretty lesson to learn. It was hard and painful and messy. In Kairos, it was easy to look to those around me for encouragement or wisdom or even attention but when I moved home, I was alone so I couldn’t do that anymore. After seeking (and failing) to find satisfaction in many other things, I was finally forced to realize that God is truly the only one who can satisfy. God showed me a ton of truth this year specifically through Psalm 103:1-4

“Praise the Lord, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
 Praise the Lord, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”

God also used the line that says he “crowns you with love and compassion” to speak to me in huge ways. You see, God has been doing a lot of heart work on me this year. My heart was broken and divided but he has taken it and made it new. He repaired the brokenness and painted over the cracks so it was perfect. He took my worldly “crown” which was made of junk and replaced it with a beautiful, perfect heavenly one. He called me daughter and princess and held me until I was convinced that it was true. He crowned me with love and compassion and by doing that, I was renewed with joy and strength. Now, to be honest, sometimes I don’t feel like I have this new crown and I certainly don’t feel like a princess. But I am. And whenever I doubt, he pulls me back into his embrace and reminds me of the truth. I don’t know that I’m explaining this very well but it has been a huge revelation to me this year and it is amazing!

This post is already pretty long so I’m going to stop soon. But like I said before, in just one week (!!!) I will be headed to Bethany College of Missions to get my degree in Intercultural Studies. I am super excited for this opportunity, especially because I know this is where God wants me to be. Even so, I’m still kind of nervous.  If you would pray for me, that would be much appreciated J Hopefully I’ll be able to restart this blog and keep you better updated on my life. I promise I’ll try! For now though I just want to thank you for taking the time to read this.

God bless!

Emily