5 years!

Today is June 7th which means it has officially been 5 years FREE from cutting!
This is a HUGE accomplishment! Even though I still have many struggles, I am not even remotely the same person I was 5 years ago.

5 years ago I barely knew how to smile. Today, I do.
5 years ago I was terrified of joy. Today, I am filled with it.
5 years ago I knew about God. Today, I know him and love him with all my heart.

I have been changed, renewed, restored, and brought back to life. It's a beautiful thing!

These 5 years have been full of struggle and tears and pain but it has most definitely been worth it. Victory doesn't come without a fight.
So today, I celebrate my victory. I celebrate the hope and life that Jesus has given me. Again, it is a beautiful thing!

Thank you to everyone who has helped me along this journey! I wouldn't be here without you!

In honor of today, I wrote a poem that I would like to share with you. . .
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5 years ago my life changed radically.
I cut myself for [almost] the last time.
I turned from my razors
And looked to my Savior
And for the first time
I found hope.
5 years ago I was literally at the end of my rope.
I had plans to die
But instead I chose life
And I haven't looked back since.
Now, it hasn't been easy.
In fact, these 5 years are some of the hardest I've faced.
But standing in the place I'm at now
I can tell you, the struggle was worth it.

5 years ago I was trapped in sadness.
My skies were always gray
And I didn't think gladness was even a possibility.
I was certain that nothing could ever change
And joy was so far out of my range
That it sounded like a sick joke.
But it was during that time that my Lord spoke
And told me that I was loved.
At first he made me angry
Because what he said was so outrageous
That it couldn't possibly be true.
But it was.
I was deeply loved.
And that changed everything.

5 years ago God breathed life back into my lungs
And songs I hadn't sung for years
Returned to my lips.
Color was painted back into my gray world
And suddenly I was no longer the same girl I was before.
I was made new and complete
And his breath tasted sweet to my soul.
My broken heart was made whole
And it started beating again.

5 years ago my life changed radically.
I walked head on into freedom and hope
And I will NEVER look back.

An Unworthy Sinner

I would like to share a journal entry that I wrote a few days ago. . .

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"Lately I've been realizing just how unworthy I am. I am a sinner. I am a rebel. I am not righteous. I am not good. Everything about me deserves to go to hell.

But even though I'm covered in dirt and slime and I deserve to be destroyed, God has shown me mercy. I deserve death but he has given me life. I am a sinner but he has named me righteous. I have been rebellious but God has shown me honor. I have been prideful but he has served me in humility.

I do not understand this God I serve, but I love him. I am so thankful for the way he fights for my love. I'm thankful for his patience and mercy. I'm thankful for his grace- that not only does he refrain from punishing me but he actually gives me good gifts. I'm thankful that his love for me will never change no matter how good or bad I am. I'm thankful that he accepts me even as a failure and that he doesn't leave me like that..."

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All of this reminds me of the song "How Deep the Father's Love for Us." It says...
"Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers.

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished."
-Stuart Townend

This Easter, I am humbled by the realization that it was my sin that held Jesus to the cross. I am the one who deserved to die. But Jesus took the place of an unworthy sinner and died on that cross.
I am so incredibly grateful for Jesus' sacrifice and the life I have because of it! Praise the Lord for all he has done!

Zaupam Ti

One of my favorite things about mission trips is worshiping in other languages. I love it because even if I don't know what I'm saying, I know that it's good and glorifying to God.

When I went to Slovenia in May we had many opportunities to worship in Slovene. It was especially great because they sang many songs that I know in English so I was able to understand the meaning of the words. One song we sang was "Healer" by Hillsong. There's a bridge in that song that says "I trust in you." In Slovene it goes "Zaupam ti"

That phrase was beautiful to me so I wrote it down. Now it's become a sort of mantra that I'll pray to remind myself of truth.
"God things are really hard right now but zaupam ti." "God I don't understand what you're doing but zaupam ti." "God I'm terrified of what's going to happen but zaupam ti."

I've said this in many of my recent posts, but I'm in a season right now that is incredibly challenging. There are many days when I just want to turn my back on God and do things my own way. But I can't do that because I know the truth about God. I know that God is always good. I know that God is in control. And I know that God is worthy of my trust because even when I am faithless, he remains faithful (2 Timothy 2:13).

That's what I'm learning right now. I'm learning about God's faithfulness even in the midst of my darkness. I'm learning how to trust him even when I'm angry at him or when I'm hurting. I'm learning how to tell him "zaupam ti" in every circumstance.

God's Plans

Three weeks ago I felt certain that I would be moving to Indonesia for my internship next September. I had been praying about Indonesia for months and I just knew that God was calling me there.

But I was wrong. I'm moving to Thailand, not Indonesia.

Three weeks ago Thailand was the last place I wanted to go but in the end, I'm the one who chose to go there. Why? Because after a lot of prayer and a lot of discussion with many wise people, I was convinced that's where God wants me to be. I don't fully understand yet why he wants me to go there, but I think that's okay.

When God called Abraham to leave his land and everything he knew to go somewhere else, Abraham probably didn't understand why either. I mean, he knew that God's ultimate purpose was to bless the world through him but how would his obedience actually accomplish that? Maybe I'm wrong, but I think Abraham probably had some why questions for God. But Abraham's obedience wasn't based on where he was going or even on his understanding of the situation. His obedience was based on what God said.

That's how it is with me right now. I know God has called me to go to Thailand and I know there is great purpose for it but I don't understand it yet. But it's not so important to understand how my actions or my obedience will fulfill God's purpose. It's more important to simply obey what he has called me to do.

So I'm moving to Thailand in September and I know it's going to be great. God's plans are much greater than my own.

Yet I will Rejoice

Can I be honest about something? I've been struggling a lot this fall. I don't know exactly how to explain what's been happening the last few months but basically, I'm a mess. I've felt myself falling back into depression, I've struggled to connect with people, I feel stuck in sin, I'm often frustrated at God, etc. The list could go on and on.
I'm a mess.
But I think that's okay. You see, my life has felt so out of control lately that I've been forced to draw closer to God. On the days where everything seems bad, I remind myself of God's goodness. When I fall for the millionth time, I remember that God is patient and loving. And when I feel like I can't trust anything else, I hold tight to the fact that God is faithful and steady. Though I don't understand why God is doing the things he's doing in my life, I trust him and I cling to his promises. I'm learning what it means to rejoice in the Lord regardless of how I feel.

A few days ago I read a passage in Habakkuk that speaks of a similar thing. It says...

 

"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places."

-Habakkuk 3:17-19 (ESV)

 

 

In the midst of all these terrible things that are happening, Habakkuk chooses to rejoice in the Lord. I want to be like Habakkuk. I want to rejoice in the God of my salvation, even on the worst days. 

Are you listening God?

This is a spoken word I wrote a few months ago. It's a prayer and it was my way of processing the struggle I was dealing with. The video clip at the end is just me performing it. Enjoy :)

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Are you listening God?
Do you hear when I speak?
Because sometimes, I don't feel like you do.
I don't know how to talk to you.
I just want to shout but I don't know what to say.
So please forgive the dirt that comes up as I pray.
God my life is a mess and I'm under so much stress
Just in case you didn't guess by the look on my face.
I feel so out of place.
I don't know who I am or who you made me to be.
I've masked myself so well that I can't even see.
Emily? Who is she?
God my thoughts are perverted and with sin I have flirted
Because it feels so good to do what you hate.
I have lusted over men
And I have hurt myself again and again and again.
I've piled so much on my plate that soon it will break unless you give me a hand.
So would you help me please?
My life, it is dark, but I want it to be light.
I've done so much wrong but I long to do right.
God I can't do it alone but I feel like I must.
Why, oh why, is it so hard to trust you to take my heart and hold it in your hands,
To believe that you're not like every other man who has hurt me.
Can you promise me that you're different?
Can you prove to me that you're good?
Because I need that God.
I need you to look at me and speak to me truth
Because there are so many lies that try to dilute the things that you say.
God listen as I pray!
I want to follow you but it is so hard.
Sometimes I wish I'd been dealt a different card
Because there is so much hurt as I look at my past
And I don't know how to get over that.
I've built up these walls that have trapped me inside
And I want to be free but I can't help but hide
Because freedom scares me.
So would you hold me close and tell me it's okay?
Because without you I can't stand to face another day.
I'm all out of strength so would you give me some more?
I want your Spirit to downpour over my life.
God I need you and I want to be with you.
Would you show me how?
Would you teach me to hear your voice
And to make the right choice even when I don't want to?
Teach me to bow on my knees and live a life that will please your heart.
Give me a fresh start so that when I stand before you, I am clean.
And give me new dreams.
And revive the ones that have died.
I want to abide in your will.
But still, my heart is broken as I have spoken.
It is divided deep inside and no matter how hard I've tried
I can't hide that from you.
But I don't want to give up control
Because I'm afraid you'll just leave me with an even bigger hole than what I started with.
But God, I give up
Because that's all I can do.
I just want to follow you,
To be made new.
I am so sick of the shame.
So unite my heart to fear your name.
Because I want to love you with all of my life,
I want to live away from the strife that happens when you're not there.
So God please, listen to my prayer.

 

Prayers of an 11 year old

I was cleaning out my closet today and I found a journal from when I was 11. There was an entry from October 29, 2003 that I thought was really interesting. It said. . .
"Dear Journal,
Lord you are a lamp unto my feet and a light to my path. You are my redeemer. You love me. I love you. You are always there for me no matter what. You forgave all my sins when you died on the cross. I wish I could repay you but I can't. The only way to even sort of repay you is to tell about you, get more Christians. I will try to be a missionary. Please help me.

Emily"

Apparently I've wanted to be a missionary since I was 11. Weird. I don't remember saying that at all. I remember wanting to be many other things in the last 10 years- an aeronautical engineer, a lawyer, a teacher- but being a missionary was never a serious option. So it's amazing that this little statement from when I was 11 is coming true. Here I am, preparing to be a long term missionary. And I've already travelled through many parts of the world sharing the gospel. I never could have imagined that my life would look like this. God is faithful in answering our prayers, even the ones we pray as a little kid.  That's pretty cool if you ask me :)

That's really all I wanted to talk about but just for some laughs I'm going to include another entry that I found really funny.

October 22, 2003
". . .Please Lord help me get less homework. Also help Miss Schommer. I'm pretty sure she's not a Christian. She'd probably be nicer if she was. That's all I have to say tonight.

Emily"