Walls

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Emily. When she was young, something very bad happened, and Emily was terribly hurt. So she decided to build a wall around herself in order to block out the people who might hurt her in the future. But the wall was not yet very high or strong so people still got in and again she was hurt.
So Emily built another wall outside the first, but this one was higher and thicker. But again, people kept climbing over and breaking through and she was hurt. So she kept building more walls, thicker and higher. There was a door in the wall but Emily learned very early to keep it locked. No one was allowed inside her walls and she stopped going out. Eventually the walls had gotten so high and thick that she had an impenetrable fortress. She was safe in her walls and no one could hurt her.
But one day, she started thinking about what was outside the walls. It had been so long since she had ventured out that she couldn't remember. She couldn't even remember why she had built the walls in the first place. She thought about leaving her fortress to see what lie beyond but she was so terrified. She had, after all, built the walls for a reason.
She thought about leaving for months until finally, she felt desperate to know what was beyond the walls. But it had been so long since she had opened the door that she couldn't remember where she had put the keys. Her fortress that she had built for safety had literally become a prison. She had trapped herself inside her own walls.
She tried desperately to break down the walls or to climb over but they were too thick and too high. It was impossible for her to get out without the key. She searched for weeks to no avail. One day though, after searching and searching, she realized something of incredible significance. The keys were in her pocket. They always had been. Throughout all of her searching and desperation, she had held the keys to her freedom.
But now that she had the keys, she didn't know what to do. She wanted so badly to leave her walls and be free but now that this was actually a possibility, she was completely overwhelmed by fear. Could she handle the outside world? How was she supposed to act? She didn't remember. What would other people think? What if she got hurt again? Was it really worth it to take that risk?
She had so many fears and doubts and all of them were valid. But she realized that she was truly desperate. She couldn't handle being a prisoner anymore. She had to be free. It was worth the risk. So she put the key in and opened the door. And then, for the first time in years, she stepped outside of her walls.

Forgiveness

Last Friday, in my Power of the Cross class, we talked about forgiveness. At the end of the class, we had some time to talk to God and work through some of the stuff we talked about. As I was praying, God brought up an incident from over two years ago that I needed to forgive. So I'm going to get a little vulnerable and share that with you.
The incident he brought up was from my second trip to Sierra Leone. We were doing ministry at these barracks and while we were evangelizing, I got separated from my partner. Our whole team was still fairly close in the same area so even though I wasn't supposed to be alone, I didn't think much of it when two men started asking me questions about the drama we had just done. So I started talking to them and it was actually a really good conversation. They weren't ready to accept Christ or anything but they were engaging with what I was saying. Towards the end of our talk though, it started getting a little weird. They started asking me for my watch or my bandanna because they wanted something to remember me by. I said no. Then they asked me for my email or phone number. Again, I declined. By now I was starting to get uncomfortable so I tried to walk away but one man grabbed my hand and wouldn't let me go. I tried some more and he pulled me close and wrapped himself around me from behind and then kissed my cheek. When he did this, my team leader saw and ran over to rescue me. After this happened I felt terrible. I was angry and I felt violated and dirty. I wanted to just scrub my cheek over and over and pretend like it never happened. But it did happen and it affected me a lot.
Now, I had forgiven this man before and it's probably been months since I last thought about him. So it was really weird when this popped into my head after the forgiveness talk. It was even weirder because it was the first thing to pop into my head after the talk. So I prayed about it and I forgave him again and it was good.
The next day we had outreach. I'm in an outreach called Trinity Works where we go down to the University of Minnesota and evangelize. This week, I got partnered with one of my classmates Erica. So at this point in the story we had already had one AMAZING conversation with this man Prayvion (I have no clue how to spell that but it sounds like I wrote it...). He rededicated his life to Christ! But that's actually a different story so I don't want to talk much about it right now.
Anyways, after we had prayed for Prayvion and were walking back to the church, two men approached us and asked if we were from around here. We said no and found out that they weren't either. One of the guys was definitely flirting with Erica and he invited us to a bar so they could buy us drinks. Obviously we said no but we did agree to walk with them to the bar so that we could talk more. As we walked, they asked us what we were doing down at the U of M. Erica told them straight out that we were talking to people about Jesus. That shocked them! The one man said that he believed there was some sort of higher power but that it couldn't be Jesus or any of the other religions. He argued everything we said. The other man kept fairly quiet and let us talk even though he didn't agree.
Eventually we got to a stoplight where we stopped to talk for about 10 minutes. Erica started talking to the quieter man so the other one came to talk to me. We actually had a pretty decent conversation. He asked me why I believed in Jesus and when I answered he interrupted me and said that I only believed because I was taught to and Jesus was just an invented man that was supposed to bring control to society. I said, "No! I believe in Jesus because my life used to be crap but then Jesus entered it and he transformed me. Now, even though there are still crappy circumstances in my life, I am free and I am joyful and I have hope and life. And that transformation couldn't have happened if Jesus was just some made up control method." I was pretty fired up :) He didn't respond much to that though.
We kept talking for a few minutes and Erica and I needed to leave. We started to say good bye and this guy I had just been arguing with, who had been hitting on my friend the last 15 minutes, grabbed me and pulled me into a hug and then kissed me on my cheek even though I was pushing him off. Sound familiar? This was almost identical to what I had just forgiven the Sierra Leonian man for the day before. This wasn't just some weird coincidence, it was an attack.
So I pushed the guy off and Erica grabbed me and we walked away quickly. She asked if I was ok and I thought about it and I was. I realized that this creep didn't have to affect me. I didn't have to let him make me feel dirty or violated. What he did was gross and wrong but it didn't have to get under my skin. I was ok. I was able to forgive the man in Africa so now I could forgive this guy too. But I didn't have to wait 2 years to do it. Satan's attack didn't phase me, if anything it made me stronger and more confident.
On our way back to church, Erica and I prayed about what had just happened and then once she was sure I was alright, we started praising God for how he had moved that night. We praised him for Prayvion and for encouragement and for speaking through us. By the time we made the 10 minute walk back to the church, we were both so joyful. We couldn't stop laughing and smiling and it was just spilling out of us. Man, God is so good! He is so faithful and loving. He took this mess of a situation where I was attacked and turned it into something I could praise him for. How cool is that?! So anyways, it was a great night and I serve a great God.
Amen.

In the desert

Ok, it’s been over a year since I’ve posted anything. Sorry about that. I’ve tried to post several times but I just couldn’t put into words what was going on. And I’m kind of a perfectionist so it seemed better to not write anything at all than to write something that didn’t adequately express what I wanted to say. But in just a week I’m going to be heading off to Bethany College of Missions and starting a new season of my life and it seemed necessary that I write about this past season as a way to close it off. So I’m going to try to do that. Sorry if my thoughts get scattered or if this ends up really long. I’m still in processing mode.

Since I moved home after Kairos, a year ago, I’ve been in what I would call a desert season. A season of refinement and purification. Not gonna lie, it’s been hard and painful and I haven’t particularly liked it. But it’s been good.  I can see that God has been teaching me and changing me a lot through this desert but it’s hard to write about because He’s not done yet, so I still don’t completely understand it. I’ll try anyways though.

One big thing God has been teaching me is that he can be my only source of satisfaction. This was not a clean and pretty lesson to learn. It was hard and painful and messy. In Kairos, it was easy to look to those around me for encouragement or wisdom or even attention but when I moved home, I was alone so I couldn’t do that anymore. After seeking (and failing) to find satisfaction in many other things, I was finally forced to realize that God is truly the only one who can satisfy. God showed me a ton of truth this year specifically through Psalm 103:1-4

“Praise the Lord, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
 Praise the Lord, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”

God also used the line that says he “crowns you with love and compassion” to speak to me in huge ways. You see, God has been doing a lot of heart work on me this year. My heart was broken and divided but he has taken it and made it new. He repaired the brokenness and painted over the cracks so it was perfect. He took my worldly “crown” which was made of junk and replaced it with a beautiful, perfect heavenly one. He called me daughter and princess and held me until I was convinced that it was true. He crowned me with love and compassion and by doing that, I was renewed with joy and strength. Now, to be honest, sometimes I don’t feel like I have this new crown and I certainly don’t feel like a princess. But I am. And whenever I doubt, he pulls me back into his embrace and reminds me of the truth. I don’t know that I’m explaining this very well but it has been a huge revelation to me this year and it is amazing!

This post is already pretty long so I’m going to stop soon. But like I said before, in just one week (!!!) I will be headed to Bethany College of Missions to get my degree in Intercultural Studies. I am super excited for this opportunity, especially because I know this is where God wants me to be. Even so, I’m still kind of nervous.  If you would pray for me, that would be much appreciated J Hopefully I’ll be able to restart this blog and keep you better updated on my life. I promise I’ll try! For now though I just want to thank you for taking the time to read this.

God bless!

Emily