Are you listening God?

This is a spoken word I wrote a few months ago. It's a prayer and it was my way of processing the struggle I was dealing with. The video clip at the end is just me performing it. Enjoy :)

_________________________________________________________

Are you listening God?
Do you hear when I speak?
Because sometimes, I don't feel like you do.
I don't know how to talk to you.
I just want to shout but I don't know what to say.
So please forgive the dirt that comes up as I pray.
God my life is a mess and I'm under so much stress
Just in case you didn't guess by the look on my face.
I feel so out of place.
I don't know who I am or who you made me to be.
I've masked myself so well that I can't even see.
Emily? Who is she?
God my thoughts are perverted and with sin I have flirted
Because it feels so good to do what you hate.
I have lusted over men
And I have hurt myself again and again and again.
I've piled so much on my plate that soon it will break unless you give me a hand.
So would you help me please?
My life, it is dark, but I want it to be light.
I've done so much wrong but I long to do right.
God I can't do it alone but I feel like I must.
Why, oh why, is it so hard to trust you to take my heart and hold it in your hands,
To believe that you're not like every other man who has hurt me.
Can you promise me that you're different?
Can you prove to me that you're good?
Because I need that God.
I need you to look at me and speak to me truth
Because there are so many lies that try to dilute the things that you say.
God listen as I pray!
I want to follow you but it is so hard.
Sometimes I wish I'd been dealt a different card
Because there is so much hurt as I look at my past
And I don't know how to get over that.
I've built up these walls that have trapped me inside
And I want to be free but I can't help but hide
Because freedom scares me.
So would you hold me close and tell me it's okay?
Because without you I can't stand to face another day.
I'm all out of strength so would you give me some more?
I want your Spirit to downpour over my life.
God I need you and I want to be with you.
Would you show me how?
Would you teach me to hear your voice
And to make the right choice even when I don't want to?
Teach me to bow on my knees and live a life that will please your heart.
Give me a fresh start so that when I stand before you, I am clean.
And give me new dreams.
And revive the ones that have died.
I want to abide in your will.
But still, my heart is broken as I have spoken.
It is divided deep inside and no matter how hard I've tried
I can't hide that from you.
But I don't want to give up control
Because I'm afraid you'll just leave me with an even bigger hole than what I started with.
But God, I give up
Because that's all I can do.
I just want to follow you,
To be made new.
I am so sick of the shame.
So unite my heart to fear your name.
Because I want to love you with all of my life,
I want to live away from the strife that happens when you're not there.
So God please, listen to my prayer.